Someone you know has just taken on the role of caregiver to an elderly person. What do you say? Should you say or ask anything?
It may not seem like this would be a life changing event for a person, so why does your friend/sibling/colleague/professor etc. seem so caught up in what they are doing?
Well. It is a life changing event. And you may notice the impact as you see the caregiver less, or hear them speak of their caregiving duties more often.
If you are wondering how to talk to them about what they do, please, refrain form saying anything like:
1. What Do You Do All Day?
Unless you are honestly asking for a detailed list, then you shouldn't ask. Why? Because it implies that a caregiver is either
a) lazy
or
b) bored.
Most caregivers would probably LOVE to have one day where they could be bored and lazy. But the truth is they are busy, frazzled multi-tasking maniacs that are doing so many things in one day that they can't even remember them all!
A more appropriate question might be:
"How do you manage to get everything done in a day?"
If you are curious about what goes on in a caregiver's day, then this question will open up a conversation.
2. How Hard Could It Be?
Taking care of another adult does not sound hard at all. The sad truth is that sometimes it is even more difficult than taking care of children.
Sometimes it isn't physically hard, but it may be emotionally trying. After all, many people take on the role of caregiving knowing that they will be caring for their loved ones up to and after the time of death. That thought alone makes this a very difficult job, and not one to be taken lightly.
If you are curious about whether or not caring for the elderly is hard, you might phrase your question this way:
"I've heard some people say it was easy, and some say that it was hard. How is it going for you so far?"
This gives the person a chance to explain both the ups and downs.
3. You Are Doing the BEST Thing
Caregivers hear this a lot. But unless you truly know this person, their situation and their thoughts on it, this remark should be kept behind sealed lips. Why?
It can be very reassuring to a caregiver who is struggling to do their best, and hoping they made the right choice by keeping their loved one at home.
At the same time, it can be smothering to someone who may be feeling like its time to move their elderly loved one to a facility. Or to someone who is struggling with the fact that they were pressured into caregiving to begin with.
If you want to offer reassurance, Nina, a reluctant caregiver for two parents with Alzheimer's, recommends something like this:
"I admire what you are doing."
As she says, "It feels more flexible to be admired for what we are doing, than to feel like we are being pushed toward martyrdom. When people tell me that I'm doing the best thing, it adds to my stress and guilt.
It makes me feel like choosing to put my father into a skilled nursing facility would be deliberately choosing to do something worse for him."
4. I Know How You Feel
Unless you have honestly been in the same situation, this standard line should be avoided. Its not that it isn't a nice thing to say, its just that if you really can't relate, the sentiment can feel fake and empty.
Josh, who cared for his father during a long battle with cancer, states:
"When someone says they know how I feel, then I want to talk about what we both feel. Share some experiences. When I find out they haven't actually been there, then I feel awkward.
Its even worse when they come up with something like it was the time their cat was run over by a car or something. That just tells me they want to change the subject. I feel bad about their cat, but its not the same."
5. Isn't That Gross?
Well, yes it is, agrees several people who are elderly caregivers. But, they don't want to talk about it with you, unless there is a good reason. (For example, if you have a caregiving tip that will make a task easier to manage.)
"Otherwise, I get a little shock when someone asks me something about the gross factor of caregiving. Especially if they ask me how I handle seeing my parent naked."
Most people respect their elderly loved ones enough that they don't want to tell strangers about their bodily functions or what its like to change an adult diaper.
There actually isn't a better way to phrase this question. Instead, go ahead and say what you really mean:
" I'm not sure I could handle doing all the personal stuff."
Caregivers will understand!
6. That is What Nursing Homes are For
Just don't say it.
The choice between caring for an elder at home, or placing them in a nursing home is not an easy one for most people to make.
Big surprise! They already knew nursing homes existed before you came along to tell them. They have their reasons for not using them. But they may use one in the future.
If you see someone having a bad day caring for their toddler, you (hopefully) wouldn't say;
"That's what orphanages are for!"
Family caregivers each make a dedicated choice to do what feels right at the moment. It may change as the years go by, but they will figure out on their own when they need to change the way they do things.
The nicest alternative you could use would be...
"I always thought nursing homes were the only place to age. Its nice to see something different. I wish you the best of luck."
Likewise, if a caregiver does place their loved one in long-term care, they don't need to hear statements such as:
"I can't believe you did that to your mom/dad when you could've just done it at home."
There are so many factors in aging care that prevent a one-size-fits-all approach. Instead, trust that the person you know has made a tough decision based on their own family situation, resources, abilities and health.
Instead say something respectful, supportive, and truly helpful. Such as:
"How about we go have coffee and get your mind off of things for awhile?"
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