Not From Blog Owner : This is not a violent post. Its a post about true caregiving love. Every caregiving journey is unique, and today's guest author tells an amusing and touching tale about his interaction with his aging grandfather. Read and enjoy!
(Warning: some mild language.)
Would You Slap Me for a Million Dollars?
That's what my Gramps asked me.
Around this time last year, I had a completely insane idea. I was tired of seeing my Grandpa mope around the house for hours everyday, with nothing better to do than tuck his hands in his pockets and watch the squirrels outside the windows.
I figured he needed something constructive to eat up his time. So I worked a few extra shifts and spent a lot of money to get him an
absolutely killer tablet for Christmas.
My logic was simple: he could hook up with his friends and bam. Loneliness gone.
What I didn't think of before I whipped out my credit card was the fact that my Grandpa is...how can I say this?
Grumpy.
He also has a mouth like a sailor and a zero tolerance policy for "pointless new gadgets". The vision I had of him seated in his cozy, somewhat ragged and stained armchair, sharing lame memes about dogs or gratitude was annihilated when he opened the appropriately masculine wrapping paper and exclaimed:
"What the hell is this? The world's ugliest calculator?"
So maybe it was sometime in April before I
finally taught him how to use the world's ugliest calculator.
Maybe it took about two days of calling people and begging them to add him on Facebook so that he could have some skeletal semblance of a social circle.
Once he was online though...he was hooked. He devours his Facebook feed everyday. He learned to Tweet. He reads every news article, email, pop-up ad, and WebMD article that crosses his path.
And he unabashedly spams the crap out of his contacts lists, no matter how much I warn him. What can I say? He is still a rebel at heart.
Grandpa isn't the most social dude anyhow (
he is the old guy that greets people with remarks about their body parts. As in "Hello there, Lois. I thought you said on Facebook that you lost weight? Your rear end still blocks the whole television.")
By August, I think he was down to a two elderly widows from church (who tolerated his spam and cussedness for the sheer sake of saving his soul, even if it killed them) and a some cousins from up in Minnesota or the Dakotas. Someplace cold. Their conversation was usually about aches, pains, and snow.
Grandpa wasn't interested in other peoples aches, or aches caused by other people's snow. But one of those cousins introduced Grandpa to the love of his life.
Viral trends.
Remember that 'forever ago' craze where people were dumping buckets of ice water on themselves? Grandpa watched every single video. He laughed every single time.
Every trend like that. Every meme asking someone a question or telling them to share, share, share.
While I make breakfast every morning, he reads aloud the comments to me, with his head tipped back so that he can take advantage of the bifocal bottoms of his glasses that don't work so well for him anymore.
The other morning, he sat this way, slightly grinning as he scanned his Facebook for the good stuff first. I was almost heartwarmed. This was as close as I would ever see my grandfather to the boy he must have been 70 years or so ago.
Then, of course, he spoke.
"Listen to this. Would you slap your best friend for a thousand dollars? Jason, hear me? Would you? That's what this post asks."
Who me? I'm a totally non-violent person. I once quit a job as a bouncer because I didn't like throwing people out the door, even when they were drunken jerks.
"No Gramps. I sure wouldn't.''
"Eh...if I had a best friend I might." he said. He read the comments for awhile, and I thought I was free and clear to serve breakfast without any serious weirdness.
"Lemme ask you something else then!" Grandpa laid down the tablet, so I knew it was serious.
"Would you slap me for a thousand dollars?"
"No."
"That's the problem with you kids these days. You don't know how to take advantage of opportunities."
"Gramps! Its just a jokey junk post. People aren't really giving away money just to see someone get slugged."
Grandpa gave the senior equivalent of an eye roll, which for him means shaking his head and rubbing that crease between his eyebrows. While staring toward the heavens as if to ask "Oh why did you curse me with this youngster?"
"What if they were? How about this? Would you slap your Grandpa for a cool million dollars?" his eyes sparkled as he held me captive. Just daring me to go against my ethics for once.
So for his sake...
"I dunno. Yeah...
maybe I might do it for a cool million."
Grandpa slapped the table and laughed.
"I guess you're more like me than you think! I want a two-third share, for pain and suffering."
"You're 82. What would you do with that much money, give it to charity?"
"Hell no I wouldn't. I would go on this internet and tell people I would give it to them if they do something like wear their clothes backwards for a month."
That's what my caregiving life is like. My Grandpa and I have an understanding. We can be guys together.
I wouldn't consider him a role model, but no matter how he talks, I also know he has never hurt anyone. He was a pretty successful guy before he retired, and he may have stepped on a few toes or a few heads getting what he wanted. At the same time, he gave back almost as fast as he gained.
My Grandpa was a funeral director for over 59 years. I guess during that time he learned to appreciate that earthly things are fleeting. He spent a lifetime sucking in other people's despair, and cranking out postive thoughts and energy. It shows in his face. It shows in his attitude. He is still doing it. He's glutting himself on the bottomless negativity of the internet, and turning into a reason to live.
He has a good reason to stand and stare out windows and be a social recluse. He closed the final lid on dozens of his old friends, his family, and his neighbors. A guy who does that has the right to do a lot of things. Even stuff like getting thrilled flame wars.
I imagine things will get tougher for us both as the years pass on. No matter how much trouble he puts me through (or gets me into), the answer is still a resounding NO.
I wouldn't slap my Grandpa for a cool million dollars.
If someone gave me a time machine though, I would be tempted to introduce him to Sudoku puzzles instead of internet.
I'm never going to get a girlfriend thanks to the stuff he shares on my Facebook page!
--
Jason P. is a student, a people-watcher, an excellent frittata chef and daily breakfast companion to his 82 year old, irascible grandfather.
