What can you say to someone who has had their memories stolen? What can you say to someone who may not know your name, or why you are visiting? You can say a lot. You say these things everyday...
A Look At How Dementia Affects Communication
When dementia starts stealing away all the familiar traits and memories that make a loved one who they are, communication can become bewildering for everyone. It is a wicked disease that can be just as confusing for spectators as for the sufferer. Many of us have a difficult time wrapping our own minds around the fact that dementia takes more than just memories--it also takes the ability to understand or use words properly.
When that happens, when a person starts making up nonsense words, or substituting words such as "fork" for "toilet", communication becomes a frustrating guessing game. Its worse when you realize
that things you say are not "sinking in".
In early dementia, a person is asked if they remember a person. They may NOT remember a person, or may only remember the person's place in their lives, but not their name or their relationship. At that point, they may understand that they can't remember fully.
Later, as dementia progresses, they may not be able to understand what the word "remember'' means. Even though they can speak, their own language becomes foreign to them, as words no longer make sense, or their brain assigns random meanings.
They might answer with something natural and instinctive, such as "yes, I do." Even if they don't, and even if they aren't sure of what they just said. If dementia is advanced, the answer may be even more confusing. Possibly a string of words that mean nothing to anyone else.
Of course, this is a very simplified look at dementia. It affects all people differently, and at different rates. Some people retain their ability to speak coherently a lot longer than others. In the worst cases, a person can no longer speak at all, and may or may not understand what is being said to them.
That doesn't mean that communication is no longer necessary, even it seems pointless. Humans still respond to the sound of familiar voices, to kind tones, and to body language. There is always the hope that at some level, the person still understands what is being said to them, even if they can't process and respond "normally". Much like young babies understand what their parents are communicating even before their language skills develop.
For that reason, it is very important to talk to people who have dementia. It might feel awkward and one-sided, but you've dealt with much more difficult things in your life, right? Communication is always beneficial, and here are five things you can always say to someone with dementia.
1. You Look Nice Today
Or any similar compliment. Humans love compliments. That need never fully disappears, and offering a simple, honest, and cheerful bit of praise can never be wrong. Of course you can expand on the basic compliment too.
"You look nice today! That shirt is just the right color for your eyes."
Or even:
"Oh, you look so happy today! You certainly are handsome when you smile that way."
Basically, if it is something you would like someone to say to you, or something you would say to anyone to make them feel good, it is the perfect thing to say to someone with dementia.
2. My Name Is...
It is always hard to admit that your loved one may not remember who you are. The truth is that questions can sometimes cause people with dementia to become agitated, because questions demand a response that they may not be able to provide.
Instead of asking someone with dementia if they remember you, which puts them on the spot to try and please you, offer the information right up front. This can be as simple as
"Hi, Grandma, its me, Sharon!"
or it can be more in-depth, if needed:
"Good morning, James. I'm Sharon, your neighbor who lives in the blue house."
You might be surprised at how little hints can help. A person might not remember the name "Sharon", but the blue house might link the name to the face.
A good rule of thumb is that the farther removed you are from the person, the more details you should provide. Since long term memories are often more clear than short term memories, you may find a person with dementia is able to recognize a friend they haven't seen in years before they can recall the name of a relative they see several times a week.
For others, frequency may play a huge part in how well they remember a person. They may know a casual acquaintance they see weekly at church, but not a close relative they see less often.
3. I'm Here For You
As in, I'm here to support you. I'm here to listen if you need to talk. I'm here to just sit quietly beside you if that is what you need.
This sentiment can be so important during the early stages of dementia, when a person is aware of themselves and the ever increasing gaps in their memory. They may feel lonely, isolated, embarrassed and scared.
Knowing that someone is willing to be there for them, even after they will no longer be aware of it, can be very comforting. To understand what they are facing, think of what it might be like to learn that you had to go under a new type of anesthesia for an operation. There are no guarantees that you will or will not be aware of what is happening, and no one can tell you if you will be able to communicate if you are aware or not.
That is a pretty scary thought, but you would feel better knowing that a team of people were there promising to take care of you, keep you comfortable and protect your dignity at a time when you have no control of yourself.
4. I Love You
This is something that a person can never say too often. It doesn't matter if you are feeling it at the moment, which you may not be as you suffer exhaustion and frustration from dealing with dementia. What is important is that you are speaking a sentiment that is universal.
It is something that people who don't even speak the same language and can understand, just from the way you say it, and the way you show it.
And that is what dementia is at time. A different language.
But sometimes the actual words don't matter. Just the emotion. So say it.
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