Being part of "the Sandwich Generation" is not a new concept. It is just a new term. It refers to three or more generations of family members, with the elders at the top, middle-aged caregivers in the middle, and the grandchildren of the elders at the bottom. Thus "sandwiching" the caregiver between their parents and their children.
But sometimes that sandwich has more layers. Sometimes the caregiver has grandchildren too. That's four generations.
How Do We All Stack Up?
I like to think that a four generation sandwich is a very fitting infographic to represent the cycle of life. The "bread" (the elder and the youngest child) are very
similar in their needs. They balance each other on opposite ends of the lifespan, coming in and going out. They respond to each other with an understanding that the squashed layers in between may not comprehend.
In the middle, there is the meat of the sandwich. That is the second generation. That is the person who supports the upper crust, and creates the "interest" They can stand alone. They don't really need the bread or the sandwich spread--but they might be better with them.
Focus on caregivers today is aimed primarily at the Boomer generation of caregivers. Just like someone asks what type sandwich they are ordering based on the meaty middle part, (no one ever says, can I have a bread sandwich with some stuff in the middle?). The media attention is on that layer of the caregiving totem pole.
And that's okay. Because that generation makes up the bulk of the unpaid or family caregiver force. two-thirds of caregivers fall into this group, and the majority are women. Many have spouses, homes, jobs, hobbies, and other things that compete for their time as caregivers. And of course a huge percentage of them are grandparents.
All that extra stuff is the lettuce and tomato, so to speak.
Where Does The Mayo Come In?
When I was doing a little investigating on age groups among family caregivers, I came across a lot of articles that summed up the four (or five) generation family of caregivers this way:
"...the typical caregiver is a middle-aged woman, selflessly devoted to caring for her aging parent/s while being distracted from her duty by the demands of her own children and grandchildren.."
{Not an actual quote, just summarizing the message that was sometimes pretty clear. That part about "her duty" was in a comment, however. }
There seems to be a bit of an agreement that these (heavily stereotyped) caregivers should separate themselves from their own children and grandchildren, and focus all of their time and energy on the needs of the elderly. It is their duty.
Not only is that unfair on the primary caregiver, (who maybe enjoys spending time with their own descendants?) it makes the third generation appear to play no part in the caregiving dynamic. That leaves the mayo generation as something that can be eliminated from the equation without sacrificing any nutrition.
But, What About OUR Duties?
As a member of that group, I'm a bit perplexed. The message here is that the best thing we can do for our parents is to leave them alone until their other obligations are filled. Basically, we have to give up our parents until one of our elderly loved ones passes away. Our parents are the strong, independent sort. They don't need our help. They just need us to go off and be good citizens for awhile.
But wait...
What those articles aren't mentioning (until they start fretting over the future cost of health care when today's caregivers become tomorrow's elders) is that even at our very youngest, the Gen Y (or Millennial) crowd is possibly already caring for aging parents of their own.
Generation Y people range from their 20's to their late 30's or early 40's. Because generation beginnings and endings are a bit blurred, our parents may be either Generation X or Baby Boomers.Depending on which chart you read, parents of Millenials can range in age from the early 50's to their mid 70's!
When you add a grandparent to those numbers, then the "mayo" layer of the caregiving sandwich may be supporting a parent who is supporting a parent, while also caring for young children. If there was a nearly perfect 20 year gap between generations in a family, then there could be a great-grandparent involved as well. If a Gen Y kid started really early, then THEY could already be a grandparent too.
There are also Gen X and Gen Y people who are the sole caregivers for their grandparents (or parents), because their parents (or other family members) could not or would not take on the role. Yet Millennials are still being portrayed as kids too young to know anything about life.
Better Health, Bigger Families
Millennials are also on the tag end of an era when families were bigger. So, many of us grew up with more aging relatives than just our grandparents. We may have known great and even great-great parents (thanks to better healthcare!).
In my family, my grandmother was in the middle of eighteen children, and my mother was the youngest of ten. That may not sound like anything interesting, but that meant that I had aunts and uncles who were senior citizens while I was very young, and at the same time, I had great-aunts who were still in the workforce. (and other greats who were very elderly.) I have first cousins that are already great-grandparents!
I am not alone. I'm seeing plenty of men and women in my age group that are choosing careers in the health field because of an aging parent or grandparent. With exposure to multi-generational families behind us, and the current trend of family caregiving surrounding us, many Millennials (and our Gen X kin) will transition smoothly into their roles as caregivers in the future.
According to a recent harvesting of caregiving statistics, they already are. Over a quarter of full-time caregivers are Millennials. And unlike previous generations, there is no unequal split in caregiver genders. Those stats don't even include the part-time caregivers, the professional caregivers, the supporters, and the volunteers. Add in Generation X and we make up one-third of the 40+ million unpaid caregivers.
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| That's What Caregiving Should Look Like. Gooey. |
We Are The Peanut Butter and Jelly!
When my mother first learned that my grandmother would be moving in with her and requiring 24/7 care, she didn't instinctively know what to do. Just because she was a mother of children didn't mean she was born knowing how to take on the demands and responsibilities of elder care.
I was the one with that training. I was the one who had changed adult diapers, given showers to people whose skin was so fragile that it would tear under water pressure. I could move a person from a bed to a wheelchair, assess vital signs, and carry on a conversation with a person whose brain was so eaten away by dementia that they could no longer speak coherently.
During those first two years, as we were restoring my grandmother's lost health, I wasn't my mother's child. I was her teammate. More importantly, my sisters and I were her support. We help care for my grandmother, but we also help care for the caregiver.
When my mother first took my grandmother to a doctor here, I went along too. I had coaxed my grandmother into a shower, dressed her, loaded her into the car, and made up a list of things her new doctor needed to know. We let him have it with both barrels, as they say.
Finally, he looked at me and asked:
"And just who are you, exactly?"
I stammered around, feeling suddenly unimportant. Who was I? I wasn't her legal caregiver. I didn't live in the same house. I wasn't essential, was I?
"I'm...her granddaughter. And I help take care of her, and her." I said, finally.
He nodded.
"That's great! I love to see families working together. Its better for everyone." he said.
Now, I like to think of ALL OF US; my grandmother, my mother, my father, my sisters, our significant others, and our children as the peanut butter and jelly in the sandwich.
We don't have layers. We are all squished together. You can't separate us. We might be messy, and we don't have any defined roles...
But together, we make one damn good sandwich.
Hopefully, that is the future of the "sandwich generation" and caregiving as a whole. No labels, no stereotypes. Just one thick squishy layer permanently gluing those upper and lower generations together.
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PB&J sandwich photo courtesy wikimedia public domain
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