5 Ways to Give Charitably to the Elderly (Without Making it Seem Like Charity)

If you missed the stats in my post about care baskets for the elderly, you need to know this;


Over 4 million senior citizens live in a state of poverty. 


Over 5 million seniors either don't have enough to eat, or are worried that they won't be able to buy food if they run out.


Poverty is a nasty epidemic, and it can be especially hard on those who are unable to "work themselves out of it". Personally, I hate that phrase, since lots of hardworking people still live below the poverty line. And many of the seniors who are poor are still working too.


Luckily, there are plenty of good-hearted people in the world willing to donate money, food, goods, and time to help those who are in need. The problem is that many of the people who need charity the most are reluctant to accept it.


When providing (or attempting to provide) charity to the elderly, you may be met with hostility, indifference, or outright denial that help is needed. It can be a huge blow to the pride to need help from others--more so for those who have always managed to take care of themselves.


So how do you help someone who won't admit they need it?


First of all, by being diplomatic. And maybe a little sly. There are ways to provide a helping hand without being obvious.Even if a person knows what you are doing, they might be appreciative of the fact that you are trying very hard to be discreet, rather than just sticking money in their face.


Holidays, birthdays and special occasions are the perfect times to attempt to help someone who is in need. Providing charity in the form of gift giving is more acceptable to someone who feels that it threatens their dignity.


Here are 5 ways you can help a senior citizen, without making it seem like charity:

1. Care Packages

I've covered how to make a care basket for the elderly, containing both edible goods.  These baskets can be as large or as small as you want, depending on the gift recipient.


The important part is to make them look like a gift. Wrap it in pretty paper. Decorate it with cellophane. Top it with a bow. Then add a card that says something like:


"To a special friend"


Much better than a cardboard box with a note like:


"Figured you might need this."

2. Gift Cards

Either given alone, or included in the care basket, gift cards can be very helpful...depending on the card. Seniors who are barely able to pay their bills might appreciate a card that can be used on groceries more than a card for a restaurant. However, including both does make it seem more like a true gift.


A thoughtful combination might be, for example, a $50 Walmart card, a $25 restaurant card, and a $25 card for a clothing store, shoe store or hardware store.

3. Small Luxuries

Know someone who might be able to just manage on food and bills, but has nothing left over at the end of the day for any type of "fun" item? If you know their interests, you can bring them a little joy very easily:

• Subscribe to a magazine in their name
• Work out a book swap so that they can get new books to read without having to leave the house
• Find people willing to donate hobby items 
• Round up used puzzles and games

All you have to say is:


"I thought you might like these items, because you always talk fondly of sewing/reading/etc. "


Then ask if they could teach you to knit or play their favorite card game.

4. Give Them Charity to Give to Others

There are quite a few seniors who live in poverty, yet never let it show in public. They may still be very active in their community, and may even be part of food drives and other events to help the needy, helping to take care of others while they themselves are short on money, food, clothes, etc.


If you suspect this may be the truth about someone you know, give them the opportunity to choose charity for themselves, in the privacy of their own home. Simply round up items to donate, (enlist the help of others) and take them to the person. Ask them to donate the items to people that they know who are in need.


When you are gone, they have the choice to keep what they need and pass along the rest.

5. Companionship and Help Around the House

Not all charity has to be monetary. Donating your time, your friendship and your listening ear can be just as helpful to the elderly. Ask around at local churches and senior programs to see if their are any elderly shut ins that would enjoy visitors.


Once you know them a little better and feel comfortable, you can offer to pitch in and help them tidy up a bit, or run a few errands for them. (maybe slip a few extra groceries into the bag while you are shopping for them.)


You can also offer to do things for them such as minor home repairs or car maintenance. They might not be able to afford to hire someone to do these things. Fixing a leaky pipe or airing up their tires could save them a lot of money later on, and help them stay safe too.

Be Wise With Your Charitable Donations

There are so many ways we can reach out and help those who need it the most. Besides these ideas, you can donate directly to organizations that collect food, money, and clothes for the poor.

Do be leery though. Some non-profit places don't always give everything back to someone who needs it. Tons of clothes and household items that are in perfectly fine condition will go no farther than the dumpsters out back, simply because volunteers didn't want the trouble of sorting them.

This is one reason I prefer to give directly to another person. As long as there is a single person out there who can't afford to buy a new outfit or a skillet or a new lamp, then these items should never go in the trash. Even if someone who "doesn't need them" gets hold of them, they will eventually be passed along one way or another.

I'm also not fond of places that charge for donated items when some people cannot afford even thrift store prices.

If you do go through a charity, do your research and make sure help is truly going where it is needed.

Cheater's Fried Apple Pies--Care Basket Treats

What would make an elderly shut-in super happy this week? How about a care basket with handmade treats from your kitchen? Something warm and delicious, something that could be stored in the freezer and easily reheated?


How about fried apple pie? (or any flavor of pie filling that you prefer.)


This week, I started making freezer meals and treats, both to eat and to share. These "cheater pies" aren't as good as the ones made from scratch, but they are still a welcome treat on a chilly day. They pair up well with breakfast foods such as eggs and bacon, but they can stand alone with a nice cup of coffee too.


The great thing about these little pies (also called hand pies) is that they are small. That makes them less overwhelming for a person with little appetite.


If you would like to make some for yourself, or a few (or a dozen) to share with someone special, here is the recipe.

Fried Apple Pies

• One 20 oz. can of apple pie filling 
• Two cans of canned biscuits
• Powdered sugar (optional)
• Cinnamon (optional) 

1. Lightly dust a cookie sheet with cornstarch or flour. Press each biscuit out into a thin circle, on the cornstarch.

2. Personally, I run the apple pie filling through the food processor to make the apples finer for these tiny pies. That is optional, but it does make filling them much easier.

3. Once your biscuits are pressed thin, add a tablespoon of filling to the center of each. Sprinkle a little cinnamon on each (if desired), then fold the edge of the biscuit over to form a crescent.

4. Press the edge with a fork to seal and make that frilly pie edge.

5. In a skillet, heat up cooking oil or melted butter. When it is good and hot, lay your pies in the skillet, a few at a time. They will start to puff immediately.

6. Flip pies when the bottoms are golden like pancakes.


7. When both sides are golden, move to a plate and drain on a paper towel. Dust with powdered sugar if wanted.

(Left over pie filling can be eaten on top of the pies as a little extra goodness.)

To freeze: Allow pies to cool. Wrap each pie in two layers of plastic wrap, then place all the wrapped pies in a freezer bag.


To reheat: wrap in a damp paper towel and warm in microwave oven for about 30 seconds (time depends on your oven), or place in a toaster oven (without a paper towel, of course)  until warm.


Like any pies, you can make your own pie filling if you  prefer. You can also use frozen pie crust or make your own from scratch. The recipe above makes thicker, breadier pies with just a little sweetness in the middle.


Other ideas:

• Use any combination of fruits or fillings.

• Spread tops of pies with a little peanut butter before eating

• Drizzle pies with icing once cooled. 

Hopefully, you will enjoy this recipe and want to share. These are easy enough that kids can help too!

Care Baskets for the Elderly--Edible Ideas

If you've browsed through this blog, then you've probably guessed that I LOVE any type of gift basket. I have a special fondness for holiday themed baskets or baskets designed around a personal theme. And I usually recommend mixing up practical stuff with the fun stuff.


Sometimes, a gift basket needs to be more extreme.  When an elder is physically or financially unable to purchase things for themselves, then they need a care basket. This is any container that is filled with stuff they can or should use, but may not be able to buy.


Of course, this doesn't mean that it can't be an attractive container! You can dress anything up with a little imagination, but care baskets should be bigger than the average gift basket, since the goal is to supply necessities that will last the elderly a long time.

Making a Care Basket For the Elderly--Fill It With Nutrition (And a Few Treats)

I personally think that a good care basket should be a balance between edible goods and non-food essentials. Its even better if there are TWO baskets, so you don't have to worry about something like soap spilling onto something like cookies.


So, this post is broken into two parts. This one will focus on the edible goods that you can put in a care basket.


In 2014, statistics showed that over 10% of people 65 and older (over 4 million) senior citizens lived in poverty and over 5 million (age 60 and older) were food insecure. This doesn't just happen to senior citizens who live alone. Those who are living with family caregivers may also be food insecure, since caregiving can often cause financial instability (especially if there are a lot of out-of-pocket medical expenses and/or a family member quits work to provide care full time. )


It is a disturbing fact that the food budget is often what has to be chopped in order to stretch lean earnings far enough to cover utilities, rent, and other expenses. That is why a gift of food to an impoverished elder (or anyone who is hungry) can never be wrong.


Especially if you fill your care basket with nutritious foods.


However, whereas it is the best idea to provide 100% wholesome and nutritious foods to impoverished seniors, it may not always be practical. Some people  may not be able to prepare foods that require long cooking times or lots of prep work before cooking. Those with low appetites may not feel that eating is worth the trouble of cooking, and resort to either convenience foods, or even no food at all.


If you aren't sure whether or not your gift recipient can and will cook involved meals, then it may be best to include a variety of foods. Even processed and convenience foods are better than no food. But, there are plenty of good-for-ya foods that you can slip in the basket, that are easy to make quickly.

Foods for An Elderly Care Basket

Non-perishable foods should make up the bulk of a care basket. Dried, canned and boxed items will last longer, and there is less risk of food poisoning if eaten past the expiration dates. But a few "fridge foods" can be added to make the basket special.


Store-bought food ideas: 

• Canned beans

• Canned fruit (in fruit juice) 

• No-sodium canned vegetables

• Small packages of dried pasta

• Canned tuna

• Canned salmon

• Canned mackerel

• Jarred pasta sauces

• Canned soups and stews

• Cold cereals

• Hot cereals in single serve packets

• Dried fruits

• Nuts

• Peanut butter

• Jam or jellies

• Whole grain crackers

• Granola bars

• Fruit bars

• Single serve pudding and fruit cups

• Canned or bottled fruit juice

• Bottle water 

• Water flavor packets

• Boost or Ensure shakes

• Microwave popcorn or pre-popped corn 

• Cookies

• Baked chips

• Pretzels

• Tortillas 

• Canned refried beans (the kind made without lard)

• Canned chicken

• Cheese crackers (the kind with peanut butter or cheese filling, or just cheese flavored snack crackers)

• Basic spices such as salt, pepper, parsley, cayenne, etc. 

 If you don't know a person's situation, then you should always imagine the most dire scenario, and try to assemble your basket accordingly.

For example, imagine that an elder has recently had their utilities turned off and can't cook on an electric stove. What could they eat? Or imagine they use propane or gas, but they can't afford to have their tank refilled, and rely on the microwave. What can they eat right now, when they are the most hungry?


Make sure  there is something in the basket to cover any possible food situation. 

• Tinned meats such as deviled ham, Spam, and sausage fingers

• Sardines or kippers

• Single serve meals in a cup, such as Ramen noodles, macaroni and cheese, beef stew, etc.

• Canned spaghetti, ravioli, and other heat and serve  meals

• Boxed foods such as mashed potatoes, dressing mixes and Hamburger Helper type meals. (can be made with a microwave or even a hot plate. Boxed stuffing can be made with really hot tap water in a pinch.)

• Canned chili

Perishable Foods:

This is the stuff that will most likely be eaten first. So it is okay to add it to a basket. Just don't overload the basket. And make sure it will be delivered promptly and that the recipient has help putting the cold stuff away.


 If you are donating in person, then a few freezer foods are a good inclusion, as you can make sure these get put up immediately.


Here are some ideas: 

• Cheese (wrapped cheese slices have a long life. Cheese sticks are a great protein snack that can be grabbed quickly. Fancy cheeses are a kind gesture, but some people may not know what to do with these, and may not like the unfamiliar taste. If you are going for block cheese, stick with simple, familiar cheeses (mozzarella, cheddar, Colby, etc.)

• Butter (unless there is a reason for going low-fat, real butter might be best for a senior.)

• Pickles, olives and relishes--the strong taste can help make food seem more flavorful to those with diminished taste perception.

• Cold cuts

• Summer sausage or pepperoni slices (these have a longer fridge life than regular deli meats)

• Condiments (these non-necessities often get nixed from the grocery list when money is low.)

• Vegetables and fruits (aim for items that don't require a lot of work before eating, such as peeling or pitting.) 

• Freezer meals 

• Frozen "quick" foods, such as chicken patties, fish fillets, burritos, etc. that can be heated quickly)

• Small ham

Some Things to Remember About Store Bought Foods

Not all foods are "convenient" to those with arthritis or other disabilities. Aim for cans that have pull-tabs when possible, packages that are opened easily by pulling or cutting, and resealable packages on things such as meats and cheeses.


If you aren't sure of the living conditions, you might want to throw in a can opener (new ones always work better than whatever they might have), and possibly a device to help with opening jars.


Although foods look great in their original packaging for gift baskets, items that go stale quickly (chips, pretzels, dried fruits) it might be nicer to put them into see-through plastic canisters. Not only will the food stay fresher longer, but plastic won't break if dropped by shaky hands. And seniors will appreciate something that can be reused rather than a disposable sandwich bag.

Also, single wrapped items such as granola bars will last longer than food that is all in one container and has to be eaten up quickly before going stale.

Homemade Goodies for a Care Basket

If you like to cook and have the time, then a few home cooked treats would probably be highly welcomed. There is no limit to what you can make. It can be as simple as cookies or muffins, or you can make whole freezer meals that only need to be thrown in a pot, the oven, or the microwave. Here are a few things to give you some ideas:

• Cookies

• Cakes made with fruits (apple cake)

• Small pies-(try my fried apple pie recipe here!)

• Muffins

• Snack mixes

• Dried fruit

• Breads

• Casseroles

• Soups

• Stews

• Single serving freezer meals of things like: pot pie, enchiladas, spaghetti or lasagna,)

Think about cultural and geographical issues, too. Some elders might have an adventurous taste in food, while others might turn up their noses at something words like "kale" "quinoa", "tofu" or anything that sounds "foreign" or "fancy".


As long as you provide a variety of foods; healthy foods, foods that can be eaten right from the container, foods that need only minimal heating, etc. you are sure to provide something that they will use and enjoy.

Now that you have filled their pantries, check out this post to find out what non-edible items senior citizens might need in their care package!


See Also:

• Ultimate Senior Citizen Gift Guide

*Note: This post may contain affiliate links. If you buy an item through one of my links, I earn a small commission (that helps suppor this site)  at no extra cost to you. Full disclosure here.*

How to Shower a Reluctant Elder-Part 3 Showering Step-by-Step

So, how do you give a shower to an elderly person? In parts 1 of this series, I've covered some  reasons why your elderly loved one might not want to take a shower. 

In part 2, I covered some solutions for the issues that lead to shower refusals. 


Now it is time to implement what we have learned, and get that shower done. If you are a new caregiver, and you've never helped bathe another adult before, then this should help you feel more comfortable with your new task. 

Here is a step-by-step guide, with some helpful tips: 

Head-to-Toe--Showering the Elderly

1. Prepare Yourself

If you are caregiving for a senior that hates showers, then you will need to make sure you are properly fortified. Drink some caffeine, put on something that won't shrink if it gets wet, and take a deep breath. 

2. Prepare Your Loved One

Well before you begin the actual showering routine, make sure the rooms are heated. (Not just the bathroom, remember. Make sure your loved one is warm wherever he or she is. 


Mention to your loved one that today is shower day. Instead of asking whether they want to, ask instead: 

• What do you want to wear today?

• Are you looking for forward to (insert x ritual or event to be done) after your shower? 

• Would you like a shower or a bath? 

• What are you in the mood for? Lavender or vanilla soap? (whatever choices.) 

Be prepared for an argument, an excuse, a sudden illness or whatever they are known to think up. Pretend you didn't hear. Keep your happy face on. 

3. Prepare Bath Stuff

The bathroom should already be warm. Make sure you have everything else you need laid out, such as nail clippers, towels, cloths, etc. 


Tip: Some people with dementia are anxious around mirrors. If possible, remove or cover bathroom mirrors before showers. 

4. Turn the Water On Before You Get Them

"Your water is running." basically means no more stalling. Plus, running warm water before you get them in means that the temperature is adjusted and the shower chair seat is no longer cold!

5. Help Your Loved One Get Ready

Once you are in the bathroom, help your loved one undress, or let them do this themselves if they are able. Be patient. Chat. 

6. Double Check the Water Temp

Never put an elder in the water without making SURE it is safe and comfortable. 

7. Get Them Into the Shower 

Offer plenty of physical support and guidance to get them into the shower safely. 


If they have dementia or other cognitive issues, reassure them verbally. 


"This is going to feel so good! The water is nice and warm, and we are going to use your favorite shampoo today. Isn't your hair going to smell fabulous?"


Keep up that positive vibe. Hardest part is over!

8. Wash From Clean to Dirty

This is a standard way to cleanse other people of any age. Start with the cleanest areas first (face, neck, torso). 


Next clean arms and legs from to top to bottom. Clean the genital area and perineum last. 


If your loved one has any sort of infections (such as c. diff or a fungus such as athlete's foot that can be spread) wash those areas last, and do NOT reuse the cloth to clean any other part of the body. 


I recommend using white cleaning cloths that you can bleach after use to minimize contaminating other surfaces. 


If your loved one wishes to help with their showering, then that is excellent! Even if they aren't able to do a thorough job, encourage them anyhow. 


"Can you wash your arms while I wash your back?" 


Once the basic cleaning is done, ask whether or not they would like help shaving, if they still shave. If not, then wash their hair and condition if needed. 


If your loved one becomes more relaxed after they are in the shower, then spend more time. (maybe a thorough scalp massage while shampooing the hair, or just letting warm water run over their back or achy joints. )


If they get more agitated once they are in the shower, then promise them you will be very fast. Apply the shampoo first, then wash them quickly from top to bottom, quick rinse the remaining shampoo, and help them out. 


Tip: If your loved one is very modest in the shower, wrap them in a thin towel before they get into the shower. You can then uncover only the parts you are washing at the moment, so they don't feel wholly exposed. 


At some point during this process, you will spray yourself with the shower head. Most likely in the face. 


Keep smiling. 



For a Bath: 

Baths are pretty much the same. Some elders prefer them because the extra water adds more privacy, but whether or not you choose baths or showers is something you will have decide based on your loved one's limitations. 


If giving a bath, wash in the same order. But if they have very sensitive skin or skin that is prone to drying out, limit the time spent soaking in the water, and be sure to rinse away all soap residue with clean water. 

9. Getting a Wet Person Out of a Shower Without a Mishap

This is a tricky part of caregiving, depending on whether or not the person you are showering can easily step out of the shower. 


If they become lightheaded after a shower, then leave them seated in the shower chair and wrap them in a towel. Dry their hair and face with another towel until they are strong enough to move. 


If they are ready to get out, make sure they are at least dry enough that you can get a firm grip on them. 


Do NOT put lotion or oil on their skin until after you have them safely out of the shower. 


Take your time, and transfer them slowly out of the tub/shower and onto another seat. (and make sure that other seat has a towel or other warm cover over it. No one wants to set a warm, naked bottom on a cold, plastic seat.)


Now you can finish toweling them dry, or letting them air dry if they prefer. Remember, they have delicate skin, so don't towel dry them like you are sanding a wood block. Just pat gently at the damp spots. 

Again, if they have any sort of infection, dry that part last, then place the towel with the soiled washcloths to be laundered separate from other clothing.  

10. Commence with the Grooming

Now you get to do all the other stuff. Do they like lotion? 
Warm lotion and oils in your hands before applying it to warm, freshly showered skin. 

• A nice, gentle massage with lotion can help relax the muscles and soothe dry skin. It can also make a pleasant reward. 

• Blow-drying and styling wet hair is a great way to add a little extra warmth and comfort to your loved one's day. Wet hair can feel icky and cold once they leave the now super-warm bathroom. 

• Roll-on deodorants are more humane than cold spray on types. 

• Trim nails while they are still soft. 

• Apply any medicinal creams or ointments they use now. 

• Add any additional grooming they might like/need, such as tooth cleaning, makeup, cologne, etc. 

10. Dress Your Elderly Loved One

Keeping your loved one wrapped in a towel or a bathrobe while doing all the other grooming tasks gives their body time to dry so that it is easier to get clothes off and on. 


Skin tears can happen when a person pulls clothing too roughly over fragile skin, or when zippers or buttons cause a scrape. Make sure to protect your loved one by keeping your hand behind any metal or Velcro fasteners as a buffer zone. 


The easiest way to dress an elder safely is by having them remain seated. Here is how we did it everyday: 


Man: 

• First put on a shirt (or shirts if they like two)

• Next, put on underwear and pull up to the knees or to the hem of the towel. 

• Do the same with pants.

• Next, put on socks and skid-proof shoes (or house slippers)

• Lastly, stand to the side, sort of  behind the person and help them to stand, if needed. Pull the underwear and pants up from the sides. 

• This is a little more dignified for them, and in plain speak, it makes it easier to get the pants over the bottom. 

• Fasten garments if needed. 

Woman: 

• Put brassiere or undershirt on first. 

• Put on shirt or dress.

• Put underwear on first, and pull it up to the knees or under the edge of the towel (or dress). Then do the same with pants or a skirt. 

• Next, put on socks and skid-proof shoes. (or house-shoes)

• Help them to stand, then stand to the back to pull up pants or skirt, or to pull down a dress. Fasten garments if needed. 

You're Done!

Except for mopping up puddles and stuff, that is. Now you just escort your loved one to wherever they want to go next, and do a secret happy dance that you managed a shower day. 

A Note to New Caregivers

If taking on the full time care of a loved one is in your future, then no article can prepare you for the awkwardness of those first few showers. Even if you have children, even if you have worked as a medical professional and bathed total strangers, it is still as weird as heck to bathe a parent or grandparent. 


But you will get used to it. They will too. If you don't have a very strong stomach, you may have problems at first, especially if your loved one hasn't bathed in awhile. Its okay. Even if you gag, that doesn't mean that you don't love them. It doesn't mean you aren't going to be a good caregiver. 


It just means you are human. 


You are going to have to see, smell and touch. But it will just seem normal after awhile. 


To make it easier in the beginning: 

• Relax

• Talk about something enjoyable. 

• Respect their modesty

• Be patient

• Allow plenty of time

• Make them comfortable

• Help them feel safe

Use shower time to watch for things like cuts, bruises, swelling or anything abnormal that may normally be hidden by their clothing. But don't get too up close and personal--just a quick glance over should suffice. 


Bonus Tip: 

Provide a fun activity that your loved one enjoys, that can come directly after a shower. For example, that time after showers might be the time you read aloud to them, or watch a movie with them, or sit down and share pie and coffee. 


Share Your Own Tips


There may always be a struggle to get your loved one to shower, but if you've read this series, then hopefully you have found some tips that will at least help on some days! 


If you have anymore tips or tricks that you have used with success, please share them in the comments!

Showering the Elderly--Part 2 Problem Solving Shower Issues

How do I get my elderly parent to take a shower or bath? If you have have been asking that question lately, then this guide is for you. In Part 1:  

Reasons Why The Elderly Resist Bathing, 


I covered the many issues that may cause a senior to balk on bath day. 


Today, I am offering solutions for all of those issues. These are all techniques that I have used in a professional setting, for private clients, and for my own grandmother, or tips that I have rounded up from other caregivers who have faced the battle of the bath. 

Issue 1.  Alleviating Fear of Injury in the Shower

If being afraid of getting hurt in the shower is your loved one's greatest argument against getting clean, then you have to do anything and everything you can to assure them that they are safe. 

Grab Bars to Prevent Falls

Install as many grab bars as your shower will hold. Don't go for aesthetics here and buy something that blends with the wall. Get something shiny and big that stands out, so that the elderly can see the bars, and know where they are without groping. 


Once they are installed, demonstrate that they are super-sturdy. Pull on them, lean on them. Swing like a monkey. Let your elderly mom or dad see that those bars are not moving even if they put their whole weight on them. 


And the toilet lid? If that is the only place to sit after a shower while drying off, then get a cover for it too. Wet skin doesn't stick to slick plastic very well, and its easy for someone who is weak or who has balance issues to slide right on off into the floor. 

Invest in a Shower Chair

The easiest way to prevent a fall in the shower is by remaining seated. Shower chairs allow a sense of security, while still allowing you to get the job done. 


If you have room, invest in two shower chairs. One for inside the shower, and another for outside. Its a much safer seat than the toilet for drying/dressing/grooming.


 If you have a walk-in shower, then you might look into a chair with wheels, just like hospitals and nursing homes use. This is best for the person that is very unsteady or who has a physical disability. 


Use a Handheld Shower


If you don't have one already, then you need a handheld shower with a long hose. These take  most of the stress out of showering the elderly, because they don't have to move around too much in a confined space. 



Monitor Your Water Temperature


ALWAYS check the temperature of the water before you put your loved one in. Cold water is JUST as bad as hot water. 

Use a bath thermometer that changes color with the water temperature to provide a nice, visual reassurance to the elder who is afraid of being burned. 

Go Tear Free

Most of the people that I showered liked to do as much as possible themselves. Usually, they preferred to wash their own hair. 


Sometimes their physical limitations meant that they couldn't keep the soap out of their eyes. 


The solution is easy, of course. There are tons of tear free shampoos on the market. If you don't like the idea of using "baby" stuff on your elder, just consider this: baby (and children's) shampoos that are tear free are usually hypoallergenic, meaning they are much more gentle on the skin too. 


Since older skin is thinner and can dry out and become irritated easily (something that can aggravate skin picking behavior in those with dementia), then you are actually doing them a huge favor. 

Also: 

• Decorate your tub with slip-proof accessories
• Provide a good non-slip bath mat for outside the tub

Issue 2: Fear of Bathing (Dementia) 

For those in advanced stages of dementia, we always gave each shower like it was the first one they had ever had--explaining everything we were going to do before we did it. 

It really does help to use body language as well as verbal reassurance. Be relaxed, smile, talk to them soothingly as you work. Make the shower as quick as possible if they become agitated. End it immediately if they become physically aggressive. 

Issue 3. Dealing With Embarrassment

When the elderly don't want to shower because they are modest and embarrassed to need help, you have to be very diplomatic. 

You have options, but none of them may be well received at first. If the problem is that you are bathing someone who is the opposite sex, then the first thing to try is finding someone more appropriate to take over shower duty. 


This can be your spouse, a sibling, or your own (older) child (it may cost you an allowance increase). If there is no one in the immediate family who can help, then you might have to be a little more unconventional. 


Do you have a family friend who might be willing to help? Maybe someone who has worked in the medical profession or as a caregiver themselves? Sometimes the elderly will agree to a "stranger" helping them rather than their own close relatives. 


But what if simply can't find a volunteer? Or you can't come up with anyone that mom and dad will trust? If this happens, then you can discuss hiring a home health aide or other professional  to come to your home just for showers. 


You might be surprised to learn that your loved one is absolutely agreeable to that suggestion. Or even more surprised that they suddenly agree to have have YOU do the showers, rather than a nurse or an aide. 


When you ARE the one giving the showers, you can follow these tips to protect your loved one's modesty: 

• Keep them draped in a towel or sheet while showering. Just uncover what you are cleaning at the moment. 

• Make sure that no one else will accidentally barge in during the shower. 

• Don't have multiple people helping with a shower unless it is absolutely necessary for the sake of safety. 

• Seat or position your loved one and yourself so that you are to the side or slightly behind them, rather than facing them. 

• Encourage them to do as much of the cleansing as they can, especially private areas.

• Only discuss their bodies if there is a medical reason (for example: asking whether or not a blemish is tender or where a bruise came from)

• Keep the shower in the bathroom. Don't let them hear you discussing bathing them with anyone else, unless it is with their doctor, for a medical reason. 

Issue 4. Decreased Sense of Smell 

You can't fix a broken sense of smell. But you can discuss the issue with your parent. Whether you should be frank or subtle depends on your parent, on you, and on the level of communication you have in your relationship. 

You don't want to hurt their feelings, belittle them, or make them feel dirty. You just want to communicate that you understand they may not be noticing the issue. 

Ease into their good graces by asking what you can do to make bathing easier or more pleasant for them. The solution may be as easy as implementing some of the other suggestions in this article, such as calendar to remind them of shower days. 

Issue 5: Decreased Sense of Time

For those who lose track of time, use a calendar as a visual aid. Any calendar will work, but a wipe-off board might be best since it large. 

Here you can note which day it is RIGHT NOW, the last shower day, and the next shower day. It might be helpful to note upcoming events on the calendar too, (church, doctor's appointment, holiday, shopping trip) so they can see WHY they need to be clean. 

Issue 6. Fear of Being a Nuisance 

Does your loved one feel as though all of their care needs are a huge inconvenience to you? You may be deny it all day and all night, but your body language may be saying otherwise. 

That doesn't mean you have to act like every task is your dream-come-true, but you should be mindful of your facial expressions and posture during caregiving. If you are rolling your eyes, tightening your lips, sighing too much, slumping your shoulders, or cringing too often, then yes...

They probably feel like they are being a pain in your neck. 

Even if you truly do dread it, slap on a smile and be matter-of-fact. Make the necessary tasks seem like your favorites, and save the sighing for the times when they re-tell your embarrassing childhood stories again. 

Be open too about money, and let them know that baths and laundry are not nearly as expensive as infections, illnesses and hospital stays. 

Issue 7.  Loss of Independence

If your elderly parent is resisting showers to maintain some control over their lives, then maybe you need to give them more choices. 

Maybe you took on the role of caregiver with the idea that you should do everything for your parent because they did everything for you. Some elders eat that up like chocolate. Others, not so much. 

If you are making all the big decisions and all the little ones too, it might help to step back a bit.  If they have more control of their choices, the elderly may not be so stubborn about showers anymore. 

Some non-harmful choices are easy to implement during the day: 

• What do you want to wear today? 
• What would you like for lunch? 
• Would you like to go for a walk or a drive?

If too many choices causes anxiety (sometime this happens in dementia), stick to either/or choices: 

• Would you like the yellow sweater, or the red sweater?
• Would you like chicken or fish?
• Do you want to watch television or listen to the radio?
• Curtains open or closed? 

Getting opinions from the elderly can also make them feel more in control of their lives, as well as part of your home (rather than a guest): 

• Do you think we should re-paint this room?
• What should we plant over there?
• Do you think new chairs would be more comfortable for you to sit on?

Notice how none of these are shower related? Sometimes you have to be sneaky. If you make choices and opinions part of their everyday life, not just for difficult issues, then it becomes a natural part of your relationship. Be consistent: 

• These are things that can be negotiated
• These are things that are firm. 

Otherwise, you could end up in a bad habit of bargaining and pleading over everything, which is exhausting and risky. 

Issue 8. Being Home to Much (Social Isolation)

Basically, if your parent has no reason to bathe, they may decide its not worth the effort. 

You can help this by getting them involved in activities with others. Not only is this good for their emotional health, it might encourage them to be more concerned about their personal health. 

Look around for activities for seniors in your area, but don't force them into something they wouldn't enjoy. (If they have never liked playing games, they probably won't be thrilled with bingo night). 

You can also: 

• Take them to lunch or dinner 
• Take them to see a movie or concert
• Take them to a zoo, museum or art gallery
• Attend small local festivals
• Go with them to attend community events
• Find a group or club they might like to join

Getting them out and about can be fun and reminds them that life is still worth living. 

Issue 9. Depression

Depression in the elderly is a very serious matter, and can manifest itself in different ways. Depression isn't feeling sad some days, or lowering personal standards in a few areas. It may be a total lack of caring altogether about everything. 

If you suspect your loved one has depression, or is at a risk for developing depression, then speak to their doctor immediately. If they ARE diagnosed with depression, work closely with doctors to create a supportive home environment. 

Issue 10. Physical Pain of Fatigue

If going through the motions of taking a shower is physically exhausting or painful for your loved one, you might try: 

• A shower chair

• Doing showers when they are well rested

• Timing showers after their pain medication takes effect

• Bringing in an extra person to help (only if they are comfortable with this) to help support them and get the job done more quickly

• Bathing less often (use sponge baths between full showers)

• Switching to bed baths for all bathing.

Issue 11. Temperature Changes

Obviously, warming up the bathroom will make your loved one more comfortable during their shower. But the promise of a warm bathroom might not be enough. 

The elderly can be sensitive to extreme temperature changes. They might not mind taking the shower, but instead dread the thought of coming back into the cooler air with damp hair and bodies. 

Simply turn the thermostat up a few notches before the shower, so that they whole house feels warmer. According to one of my sweet residents years ago, it wasn't the shower that she hated, it was leaving the warm shower. 

As for water temperature, the thermometer is your best friend. But here is a trick you can try if your loved one insists that the water is never the right temperature: 

Put your hand on the bathtub knob (when you know the temperature is pretty much right) and pretend to turn it. Then ask: 

"Is that better? Or is it still too cool?" 

If they say that it feels much too hot now, even though you didn't turn it, then they may either be unable to gauge the water temperature accurately, or...

They could be just pushing your buttons a little.

If you think that is the case, then just add a comment such as: 

"I think that is as close to perfect as this shower can get. Lets finish up before the water heater runs dry." 

Just make sure you are using a temperature that is neither too hot nor too cold. 

Issue 12. Time of the Day

This is where you can implement one of those personal choices mentioned above. Ask your loved one whether they would prefer their showers in the morning, afternoon or evening. 

If they are unable to communicate what they prefer, experiment with different times of the day. Not just morning, noon, or night. See if they are more cooperative before breakfast, or after they have eaten. Maybe after a refreshing afternoon nap? 

If they have a problem with sundowning, that might be a bad time to try a shower. On the other hand, it relaxes some people. Find what works best for them, then rewrite your schedule around it. In the end you will save everyone a lot of time and frustration. 

Issue 13. Sensitive Skin

We had non-adjustable shower heads in one nursing facility. I swear, the water came out with the same soft pressure as a fire hose, and some of the residents hated it. 

Trick of the trade when you can't adjust your shower spray? Soften the blow by slipping a nylon stocking over the shower head. This diffuses the pressure. 

When you wash the elderly, you need to use a gentle touch. Don't scrub away with an exfoliating mitt. Even if they ask you to scrub harder, you should take care. It is very easy to cause a skin tear or an abrasion could become infected. 

Another ticklish issue about skin...

It can be ticklish. 

Most people won't volunteer the fact that they are ticklish. You learn the hard way, or you ask in advance! People are ticklish in different places too. It may be their feet, their arms, their ribcage...

Where these areas are, you need to use a firm, quick touch, or let them wash those places themselves. 

Issue 14. Increased Sense of Smell

How can you eliminate fragrances and odors from the bathroom that may be causing nausea? First, pin down which odors causes your parent the most discomfort. You may be able to just eliminate that particular scent. 

• Avoid strong cleansers or air fresheners in the room before showers

• Ventilate the room beforehand to remove old perfume and toiletry scents

• Run water for a few minutes to wash out stale or chlorinated water (or let a bath full of water sit until the chlorine smell evaporates somewhat)

• Use fragrance-free soaps, shampoos, and deodorants. 

Issue 15: Childhood Habits

This can be the hardest issue to resolve. You can use some of the suggestions already covered, such as reassuring them that bathing is cheaper than being sick, making sure they get out of the house and socialize when possible, and using calendars to let them see how long it has been since their last bath. 

The good news is that the elderly don't actually need to bathe everyday. Unless they are still very physically active or have a hobby such as gardening that requires getting a little bit dirty, then you can probably compromise on one or two showers a week. 

You can always supplement with "spot cleaning" in between or sponge baths if they are incontinent, and placing more emphasis on hand washing, combed hair, and tidy clothes. 

Bonus Tips: 

• For women, take extra time and turn shower day into spa day, complete with a massage, facial, and manicure

• Keep up a natural flow of conversation to alleviate awkwardness and provide a nice association. (they may love that they have your undivided attention for a few minutes, so listen to their stories, laugh at their jokes, and answer their questions.) 

• Play some music in the bathroom. This can be soothing music or fun music. Whatever the respond to best. This also contributes to a pleasant atmosphere. 

• Have a helper fluff up their towels in the dryer and bring them to the door when you are ready. 

Find A Shower Routine That Works and Stick With It

Once you reach an agreement about showers (how often, time of day, how long, who gives them), stick with it like it is a promise. 

Don't deviate except for absolute emergencies, and you will build up a little extra trust in your relationship with your elderly parent. They know you are serious about them being clean, but they also know you want to do it because it is for their benefit, and you will go above and beyond to make it as nice and safe as possible. And you won't spring any sudden surprises on them. 

Hopefully, this helps resolve some (or all) of the struggles you may be experiencing. If you have any other tips, tricks or advice, please feel free to share it in the comments! 

For new caregivers, check out part three of this series: 

Showering Step-by-Step-A Guide to Showering the Elderly 

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